I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
