I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
