My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
