she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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