my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
