I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
