What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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