So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
