I heard we made out
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Randomize
