I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
