So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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