no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Randomize
