somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
well most of my day revolves around power hour
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At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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