My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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