Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
