Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
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I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
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She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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