I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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