Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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