Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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