where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
i now understand why vodka
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
