So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
