Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
