my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
