I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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