So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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