i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
i think i just lost a toe
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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