if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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