I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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