Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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