I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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