Is it normal to miss your booty call?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
