Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
