Where did you get a picture of my penis
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
