A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
