marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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