My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
