just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
