i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
