dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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