I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
