Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
