if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
