i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
People with herpes should wear stickers.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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