I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
