I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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