It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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