My sheets look like a crime scene.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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