I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
