I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
