i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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