What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
