I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
my being single is dangerous.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
