im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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