I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
