went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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