I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
