I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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