so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
