He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
